JULY
ON JULY 1:
In 1899, fictional adventurer Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. was born. At 105 years old, he is presumed deceased...
... Until the next sequel, anyway...
In 1967, actress Pamela Anderson was born...
... Her age has finally surpassed her bra size...
In 1916, Coca-Cola brought the current coke formula to the market...
... In fact the original batch is still for sale in some 7-11s...
In 1991, President Bush nominated federal appeals court judge Clarence Thomas to the U.S. Supreme Court...
... But he had to climb a steep (Anita) Hill to get there...
In 2002, Britney Spears opened a restaurant in New York called "Nyla". Spears announced proudly she planned to dine on "fried chicken"...
... Are those chicken breasts real or fake...?
In 2004, Paula Jones, who launched a sexual harassment suit against then-President Bill Clinton, told ABC News she was the first step in an effort by anti-Clinton forces that eventually led to his impeachment: She said, "I agree that I was a small little entity in this big vast whatever-you-want-to-call-it that got erected..."
... And if anybody knows what got erected, she does...
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ON JULY 2...
In 1883, Franz Kafka was born...
... Or was he...?
In 1937, aviator Amelia Earhart and navigator Fred Noonan disappeared over the Pacific Ocean while attempting to make the first round-the-world flight at the equator...
... Proving to be the inspiration for the creation of ValuJet airlines 60 years later...
In 2000, scientists reported that love is real -- and visible in brain scans: the first flushes of true love produced visible changes in the brains of people that could be seen with magnetic resonance imaging...
... And as love grows, the brain disappears completely...
In 2004, Iceland's National Olympic Committee complained to the International Olympic Committee about Athens' policy of allowing more 30 more brothels to open for the Greek 2004 Summer Olympic Games, to cope with the extra demand. Prostitution is legal in Greece...
... Gives the "broad jump" a new meaning at the Olympics...
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ON JULY 3...
In 1962, Tom Cruise was born...
... Born on the THIRD of July...?
In 1971, Doors singer James Douglas Morrison died in Paris...
... Along with the music careers of the other Doors...
In 1882, outlaw, killer (and Bobby Brady's idol) Jesse James was shot to death in St. Joseph, Missouri, by Bob Ford...
... He robbed from the rich and gave to the poor -- coincidentally Jesse was ALWAYS pretty poor at the time of a robbery.
In 1953, T.V. Guide Magazine first appeared in newsstands. It sold for 15 cents a copy...
... Inside the entire TV schedule read: "Snow"...
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ON JULY 4...
In 1776, United States Of America was born; the Continental Congress adopted the Declaration of Independence. Only John Hancock, president of the Congress signed -- the other signings took place Aug. 2...
... I guess his signature was so big that it took him a month to finish signing...
In 1789, the first tariff bill was enacted by Congress...
... So, again, happy friggin' Independence Day...
In 1884, the Statue of Liberty is presented to the U.S. from France, commemorating the French and U.S. Revolutions...
... Not exactly fair -- we unloaded Euro-Disney on them...
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ON JULY 5...
In 1951, Hugh Anthony Cregg Louis III -- who became Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and The News, was born...
... Now it's more like Huey Lewis and the Extremely Olds...
In 1942, Ian Fleming was the first graduate from "Special 25," a training school for spies in Canada. This training proved to be invaluable to his future career: creating the character of James Bond...
... The only school where you’re supposed to cheat and steal the answers to pass the test...
In 1946, the bikini bathing suit, created by Louis Reard, made its debut during a fashion show at the Molitor Pool in Paris. Model Micheline Bernardini wore the abbreviated two-piece outfit, which was covered with a newspaper-print design. The bikini was named for the Pacific atoll that was the site of a U.S. atomic test explosion four days earlier...
... Is that why the models are called bombshells...?
In 1951, "It Pays To Be Ignorant", a TV Game Show, premiered...
... It's now called "Fox News"...
In 2001, Ely Callaway, who turned Callaway Golf Co. into the biggest clubmaker in the world with his "Big Bertha" drivers, died of pancreatic cancer...
... He was buried in a six-foot divot...
In 2006, engravings were found inside a cave in western France that could date back as far as 28,000 B.C. These prehistoric engravings would predate the world’s oldest cave paintings...
... There was an antelope, a bear, and a 'VOTE BIDEN' sign...
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ON JULY 6...
In 2001, five drums of the anti-impotence drug Viagra were stolen from Heathrow airport. About 230lb of the drug, which was in powder form, disappeared as it was being transported through the terminal complex en route from Brussels to Puerto Rico...
... Police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals...
In 1987, the U.S. fined Chrysler Corporation $1.5 million for 811 violations of worker safety regulations...
... It's almost as unsafe working for Chrysler as it is driving a Chrysler...
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ON JULY 7...
In 2001, an unidentified 61-year-old woman gave birth to a healthy baby boy at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in San Francisco...
... She was so old that the baby was already 40 years old when she gave birth...
... The advantage to being a 61-year-old mom is that if you're breast-feeding, thanks to gravity you don't have to pick up the kid off the ground anymore to do it...
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ON JULY 8...
In 1850, the Mormon colony on Beaver Island in Lake Michigan crowned founder James Jesse Strang as its king...
... What better island to practice polygamy on...?
In 1976, former president Richard Nixon was removed from the New York Bar Association. His license to practice law was revoked...
... When lawyers won’t even accept you, you’ve bottomed out as far as you can go...
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ON JULY 9...
In 1947, Orenthal James "O.J." Simpson was born...
... He's already got a big knife to cut the cake...
In 1964, Courtney Love was born...
... Let's play pin the needle on the junkie...
In 1987, Oliver North said he shredded important papers as part of a cover-up of his role in the Iran-Contra affair...
... There wasn't a shred of evidence -- there were HUNDREDS of shreds of evidence...
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ON JULY 10...
In 1040, Lady Godiva rode horseback through a Coventry while naked; according to legend, she rode as part of a bargain to get her husband Leofric, Earl of Mercia, to ease taxes on the people of Coventry...
... She displayed her chest to promote a flat tax...
In 1985, Greenpeace's 160-foot protest vessel, Rainbow Warrior, is bombed and sunk in New Zealand by French agents...
... At least there was one less gas-guzzling, fish-killing boat on the water...
In 1989, cartoon voice specialist Melvin Jerome "Mel" Blanc passed away. He was the voice of Bugs, Daffy, and Elmer...
... Th-th-th-that's all, folks!!!
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ON JULY 11...
In 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr mortally wounded former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel near Weehawken, New Jersey...
... Burr beat the rap... at least until it was performed on Broadway in "Hamilton"...
In 1934, fashion designer Giorgio Armani was born...
... When he modeled his first suit -- his birthday suit...
In 1966, "The Newlywed Game" debuted on ABC. Bob Eubanks hosted this comedy based daytime quiz show, from the same creator (Chuck Barris) that thought up the "Dating Game". It matched newly married couples in a question & answer game to determine how much they really know about their mate...
... Actual question: “Where is the strangest place you and your husband have made whoopie?" Actual answer: "In the butt."
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ON JULY 12...
In 1948, fitness guru Richard Simmons was born...
... Now the oldies, they sweat to HIM...
In 1908, TV legend Milton Berle, also known as "Uncle Milty" and Mr. Television (his real name is Berlinger), was born. His wife is actress Joyce Mathews -- they married each other twice...
... Who wore the bridal gown, her or him...?
In 1985, doctors discovered what turned out to be a cancerous growth in President Reagan's large intestine, prompting surgery the following day...
... They gutted him while he gutted the economy...
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ON JULY 13...
In 1946, Richard “Cheech” Marin was...
... "Boooorn i-in East L.A...""
In 1942, actor Harrison Ford, who played Hans Solo, Indiana Jones, The Fugitive, was born...
... Making him older than some of the ancient historical artifacts that Indy searched for...
In 2305, Captain John-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation," will be born (his parents will "make it so")...
... It's 300 years before he's born, and he’s already got no hair on his head -- that’s one NASTY bald gene...
In 2000, Yoko Ono filed a lawsuit in demanding a Tokyo subway operator stop the sale of a ticket showing a portrait of her late husband, John Lennon...
... In response, the subway operator’s spokesman says she’s got a ticket to ride, and she don’t care...
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ON JULY 14...
In 1913, former president Gerald Rudolph Ford was born...
... He was Nixon's vice president, then he took over the presidency for Nixon, after Nixon took over the vice...
In 1908, ice cream chain founder Tom Carvel was born. He died in 1989...
... “Check the freon in the freezer -- he’s getting soft!!!”
In 1798, Congress passed the Sedition Act, making it a federal crime to publish false, scandalous or malicious writing about the United States government...
... Nowadays you just call it a campaign speech...
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ON JULY 15...
In 1965, Congress passed a law requiring all cigarette packages to carry a health warning...
... Apparently the campaign donations from the tobacco companies were a little late that year...
In 1205, Pope Innocent III sets church doctrine dooming all Jews to perpetual servitude & subjugation due to the crucifixion of Jesus...
... Right, dude -- and the Romans had NOTHING to do with it...
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ON JULY 16...
In 1887, Chicago "Black Sox" outfielder Joseph Jefferson "Shoeless Joe" Jackson was born. He was banned from baseball for life after betting and throwing the 1919 World Series...
... And being “Shoeless Joe,” it’s not like there was a Nike contract to fall back on...
In 1907, Popcorn King Orville Redenbacher was born. He died in 1995...
... Too pooped to pop...
In 1992, Governor William Clinton of Arkansas, launching what he calls the "New Covenant," accepts the democratic nomination for president in a 54-minute speech. The convention cheers and rocks to Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)..."
... I'll bet he could've have had any woman in that hall... except Hillary...
In 1994, Anna Nicole Smith (26) married 1/2 billionaire J Howard Marshall II (89)...
... Or if you go by CHEST size, Anna Nicole (89) married J Howard (26)...
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ON JULY 17...
In 1917, comedienne Phyllis Diller was born...
... She changed the face of comedy -- and so did her plastic surgeon did, several times...
In 1962, the US performed the first nuclear test at Nevada Test Site...
... No wonder Las Vegas glows at night...
In 1938, aviator Douglas Corrigan took off from New York, saying he was headed for California; he ended up the next day in Ireland, earning himself the nickname "Wrong Way Corrigan"...
... Say what you want, but nobody'd remember him if he was called "Right Way Corrigan"...
In 1955, Disneyland, the Happiest Place on Earth, had its grand opening day in Anaheim, California...
... At first it was a real Mickey Mouse operation...
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ON JULY 18...
In 1939, writer Hunter S. Thompson was born...
... "We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the pre-labor epidural began to take hold..."
In 1925, AAA declared women drivers are as competent as men...
... It wasn’t a compliment...
In 1970, Arthur Brown was arrested for stripping on stage in Palermo, Sicily...
... Hence the term "brown-out"...
In 1988, Texas Treasurer Ann Richards delivered the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention, needling Republican nominee-apparent George Bush as having been "born with a silver foot in his mouth..."
... Close -- it was a silver spoon.... and it was up his NOSE...
In 1999, te Safeway supermarket chain agreed to pay a $200,000 fine to resolve charges that it poured 10,500 gallons of spoiled milk down California storm drains...
... No sense crying over that...
In 2006, 4,000 New Yorkers went the next 10 days without power in Queens due to a heat wave and violent storms...
... 4009 lacked power if you count the starting lineup for the Mets...
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ON JULY 19...
In 1860, Lizzie Borden was born. She "took an axe and gave her mother 40 whacks; when she saw what she had done, she gave her father 41..."
... She went on trial but the trial was fixed; She died in '27 at the age of 66...
In 1990, President Bush joined Republican predecessors Ronald Reagan, Gerald R. Ford and Richard M. Nixon at ceremonies dedicating the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, California...
... The only library where all the tapes are erased and all the pages are blank...
In 1993, President Clinton announced his "don't ask, don't tell" policy for gays in the military...
... It was the same policy that he had his interns sign...
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ON JULY 20...
In 1938, actress Natalie Wood was born. She drowned in a boating accident off Santa Catalina Island, California...
... Answering the old question, what kind of wood doesn’t float...?
In 1944, President Franklin D. Roosevelt was nominated for an unprecedented fourth term of office at the Democratic convention in Chicago...
... Don't mention this to (insert current president, you hack)...
In 1969, Apollo XI astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin became the first men to walk on the moon. Armstrong stepped on the lunar surface at 10:56 ET and proclaimed "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind..."
... Today he would've added, “Just Do It” and received $10 million from Nike...
In 1994, O.J. Simpson offered a $500,000 reward for the capture of his wife's "real killer." Simpson's legal advisors activated a toll-free number for leads...
... "You did it, O.J.!!! Where's my money...?"
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ON JULY 21...
In 1957, actor Jon Lovitz was born. He's 67...
... "Yeah, 67 -- that’s the ticket..."
In 1925, the so-called "Monkey Trial" ended in Dayton, Tennessee, with John T. Scopes found guilty of violating state law for teaching Darwin's Theory of Evolution and fined $100...
... And he was caged up in jail with no tire swing or bananas...
In 1965, production began on the SECOND "Star Trek" pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before," at the Desilu Studios...
... So apparently one man HAD gone before...
In 2003, a Virginia man accused of having sex with a sheep used in a Charleston nativity scene struck a deal with Kanawha County prosecutors that allowed him to stay out of jail. Joey Armstrong, 30, was sentenced to two years of probation for breaking into a funeral home's manger scene and molesting an animal...
... That was some ba-a-a-a-a-aad behavior...
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ON JULY 22...
In 1991, Milwaukee police arrested Jeffrey Dahmer, and found body parts all over his apartment. Dahmer confessed to killing as many as 17 men, placing some of the remains in a refrigerator, freezer, and kettles...
... Any finger food...?
In 1995, Tom Arnold wed Julie Champanella...
... He felt like a huge weight had been lifted off him: that weight being his first wife...
In 2003, it was announced that James Brolin has been cast as Ronald Reagan in a four-hour CBS miniseries titled "The Reagans," and Australian actress Judy Davis would play Nancy Reagan...
... The question was, could they be bad-enough actors to be believable as the Reagans...?
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ON JULY 23...
In 1965, Saul Hudson, otherwise known as "Slash" of Guns 'n Roses, was born...
... Something tells me his mom never used the phrase "sweet child of mine" when she talked about Saul...
In 1982, actor Vic Morrow was killed in a helicopter accident on the set of "The Twilight Zone" movie...
... Giving the word "cut" a whole new meaning...
In 1984, twenty-one-year-old Miss America Vanessa Williams relinquished her crown, as the September issue of "Penthouse", which features some revealing photos of the beauty queen, hit the newsstands...
... Forget the one-piece versus two piece arguments in the bathing suit competition -- Vanessa had it right with the NO-piece...
In 2002, a judge issued a gag order in Allen Iverson's assault case...
... Defense lawyers also changed Allen’s nickname from The Answer to The No-Comment...
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ON JULY 24...
In 1898, Amelia Earhart was born...
... For once she arrived when she was supposed to...
In 1949, "Seinfeld" actor Michael Richards ("Cosmo Kramer") was born...
... Still his wildest entrance...
In 1963, basketball Hall of Famer Karl "The Mailman" Malone was born...
... On that day it was his MOM who delivered...
In 1964, baseball legend Barry Bonds was born...
... He almost held out another month for more money...
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ON JULY 25...
In 1978, Louise Joy Brown, the first "test tube baby," was born in Oldham, England; she'd been conceived through the technique of in-vitro fertilization...
... What do you get a beaker for Mother's Day...?
In 1990, comedienne Roseanne Barr sparked controversy with an off-key rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner" to a booing audience during a double-header at Jack Murphy Stadium in San Diego. She sang the song off-key, scratched herself, and spit. President Bush calls the performance "disgusting..."
... Call it the Barr-Strangled Banner...
In 2003, Reese Witherspoon was furious that a raunchy online showing her in naked scenes was being advertised on television across America for online purchase...
... It was titled, "Legally but not ‘Technically’ Blonde"...
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ON JULY 26...
In 1943, Rolling Stones vocalist Michael Philip "Mick" Jagger was born...
... He doesn't all of his name because Jerry Hall even got half of THAT...
In 1875, Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Carl Gustav Jung was born. He died on June 6, 1961...
... He didn't seem so "Jung" then...
In 1990, President Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act, barring discrimination against people with physical or mental disabilities...
... His biggest move for the mentally challenged since making Dan Quayle the vice president...
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ON JULY 27...
In 1956, comedienne, writer, and actress Carol Leifer was born. The creators of “Seinfeld” say that she was the inspiration for the Elaine character on their show...
... Whether you think that's a compliment or not is up to you...
In 1909, Orville Wright set a new world record for staying airborne in a U.S. Army airplane by flying with a passenger above Fort Myer in Virginia for one hour, twelve minutes, and forty seconds...
... In fact, (latest airline crash) STILL hasn't beaten that record...
In 1960, Vice President Richard M. Nixon was nominated for President at the Republican National Convention in Chicago...
... It would take him another eight years to finally get elected -- I guess he just wasn’t crooked enough, yet...
In 1965, President Johnson signed the bill requiring cigarette packages and ads to be printed with health warnings by the U.S. Surgeon General against the effects of smoking...
... WARNING: Years of cigarette smoking will make you look just like Lyndon Johnson...
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ON JULY 28...
In 1794, Maximilien Robespierre, a leading figure of the French Revolution, was sent to the guillotine...
... How not to get a head in politics...
In 1866, the Metric system became a legal measurement system in US...
... Give them a millimeter, and they’ll take a... er... whatever it is...
... Men were all for it as soon as they learned that 6 inches was counted as 152 in mm...
In 1987, Attorney General Edwin Meese told the congressional Iran-Contra committee that President Reagan was "quite surprised" when told about the diversion of Iran arms-sales profits for use by Contra rebels...
... Of course by that time he was quite surprised when you told him he was President Reagan...
In 2000, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married at a ceremony on an ocean bluff...
... The key word in this for Brad being "bluff"...
... Aniston finally got the line "I do" right on the thirteenth take...
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ON JULY 29...
In 1991, Donald Trump gives Marla Maples a 7½ caret engagement ring...
... It was actually taller than some of his buildings...
... That was the last thing she saw that night that was 7½...
In 1998, the Rockingham mansion where O.J. Simpson was arrested for murder was bulldozed into oblivion by a new owner who wanted a better house. The new owner said it was cheaper to demolish and rebuild...
... Which was also sort of O.J.’s theory on marriage...
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ON JULY 30...
In 1947, Arnold Schwarzenegger was born...
... From Conan the Barbarian to Conan the Octogenarian...
In 1971, actress Christine Taylor (Marcia in "The Brady Bunch Movie") was born...
... "Oh no! I've got two dates to my birthday party! This is the worst thing ever!!!"
In 1956, the motto of the U.S., "In God We Trust," was authorized on U.S. currency...
... Hey, I don't trust ANYBODY with my money...
In 1975, Teamsters Union president Jimmy Hoffa disappeared. His body was never found...
... Needless to say, his relationship with the Mob was cemented that day...
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ON JULY 31...
In 1932, the George Washington 25-cent coin went into circulation...
... (Current president) is getting his face put onto currency, too -- an IOU...
In 1954, a six year research program found that Los Angeles smog is caused by the chemical reaction of sunlight on auto and industrial emissions...
... And the smell is caused by their rotten TV shows...
In 1972, Democratic vice presidential candidate Thomas Eagleton withdrew from the Democratic ticket following disclosures that he had once undergone psychiatric treatment...
... They say, "You'd have to be crazy to run with George McGovern," well..."
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